Exciting Outline for Pornographic Movie Discovered

Three note cards were discovered inside a pornographic DVD sold to a retail outlet recently.  The cards, colored pink and purple, outlined the plot to an exciting pornographic film.  The photocopy above is shown to illustrate the frenzied handwriting of the artist in the throes of inspiration.  We know we are dealing with the real deal here--the note cards are a sure sign that our young auteur has read Blake Snyder's Save the Cat.  The cards have been painstakingly transcribed below.

1. early Thursday Morning
     Waiting for Ms. Eastman to open the Band Room, I'm flashed by burnette girl with huge and perky breasts. (Mykel)
     When Bandroom is opened, we go to the girl's bathroom: titti fuck + blo-job.  Then she rides me.  A longblack haired sophmore walks in on us, after Mykel finishes, Andrea has her turn.
     After I helped Mykel and Andrea sort out their clothes and get dressed, they left, and as I pull on my shirt, (my dick still hangin' out) Elizabeth

2. walks in.  "Hello," I say, "Hellooo" she said putting her finger in her mouth.  She takes off her shirt, tackles me and we make out while strips the rest of the way, and then we go at it.  I cupped her big round tits as she road me, legs wrapped around my waist.  When I got out of the bathroom Band was over and conference hour had begun.  I walked into the hallway and there was Alicia, the Flute section leader.  She hugged me from the side, and whispered in my ear.  "That's 3 girls now, won't you fuck me too?"  She put her hand down my pants  as she said this.  I put my

3. arm around her waist and grabbed her butt, with my other hand I grabbed her perky breast and kissed her neck, "Why not?" She took her hand out of my pants and unbuttoned them, I took my hand off her boob and undid her shirt and pants in turn.  Her pants fell off and she climbed onto me wrapping her legs around me and my prick slipped in.

A special thanks to Sean M. for sharing these note cards.

Jazz and Big Band Shock Rockers

Since neither jazz nor shock rock can be considered dead musical genres, the inevitable cross-pollination has occurred.  Be on the lookout for these up-and-comers that are sure to send your parents into a tizzy:

Scab Scalawag

Charles Mangle-Us

Felonious Skunk

Puke Skellington

Ferdinand “Belly Hole” Rigor Mortis

Pus Brown

Lovecraftian Prophecy Comes True

That is not dead which can eternal lie.
And with strange aeons even death may die.

                           --The Necronomicon, dude.

Dr. Jack Kervorkian, 1928-2011

Have You Tried These?

They're not bad.

Still Not Convinced?

Still not convinced that Members Only jackets are not cool?  Feast your eyes on this still from 1987's Top Dog.

The plot of the movie, appropriately enough, has to do with a group of white supremacists hoping to launch an attack that will unite racists around the world.  Fortunately, Chuck Norris and a dog are able to foil their plot.

Choose Your Own Sanitized Adventure

Take a look at this Choose Your Own Adventure book from my youth.

Now look at the updated version.

Nafouti?  Really?  Was Nabooti too risqué?  Did it cause too many giggles?  Did the publishers worry that impressionable children might think that treasure will be found in someones butt?

And that's just the beginning of the atrocity.  What on earth happened to the cover art?  The hand drawn cover of Nabooti is detailed, uses color to create a mood, and, in short, makes the book look like something you would actually consider reading.  The computer generated cover of Nafouti is laughable.  It looks barely above the quality of something you could create in MS Paint.  It looks like the product of about a half hour's work.  And, yes, that cobra is apparently coming out of that woman's eye.

Exciting Business/Self-Help Book Now Available

Knowing that readers of this blog strive for excellence in all of life’s arenas, I thought I would point you toward a book that is nothing short of a miracle.  Does your body resemble a giant latex glove three-quarters filled with whale blubber?  Is your mind a junkyard filled with discarded dollhouses and leather pants?  Is your business performing about as well as a roadside stand selling Cabbage Patch Kids stuffed with Beanie Babies covered in homestyle gravy?  Well, struggle no more.  All the answers you seek can be found in the pages of a single volume.  Fusing the the knowledge of nearly three books and eleven fortune cookies, What Color Is Your Cheese Bucket, and Who Moved It?, is available now.  Don’t wait.  Supplies are limited and this offer is exclusive to readers of 30lb Dog, Denny’s Patrons, and Amazon.com shoppers.  Order now!

Is The Party Over For Paranormal Romance?

Could the paranormal romance craze ever have a downside?  Apparently so.  Imagine if you will that you are at home, playing your prized 45 of The Monster Mash when the needle is suddenly dragged across the record, making a horrible sound.  Well, this is much worse than that.  The no-holds-barred spate of sexual activity with vampires, werewolves, zombies, mummies, frankensteins, and ghosts have given birth to the inevitable--new strains of paranormal sexually transmitted diseases.  This is precisely where fantasy ends and the reality begins.  Perhaps a little restraint is in order, unless you want to end up in some creepy clinic high in the forest that can only be reached by horse-drawn carriage.  Be on the lookout for the following.

Tadpoles:  Transmitted through sexual contact with a Creature from the Black Lagoon.  While not particularly dangerous, they can tickle the heck out of your nether regions.

Ghost Crabs:  Because they have no corporeal form they are resistant to even the toughest shampoos.

Frankies Simplex 1:  In men, this will cause tiny bolts to grow on either side of the penis.  In women, the pubic hair will become tall and wild with a shocking gray streak.

Wolphylis: Causes the genitals to emit a loud howling sound for one day out of the month, during the full moon.  Highly embarrassing.  The application of tiny muzzles may dampen the sound, but a cure has yet to be found.

If you find that you can’t resist your baser urges to sleep with these creatures of legend, at the very least take measures to protect yourself.  If you are sleeping with a vampire or a demon, please take the time to have your condoms blessed by a priest.  For werewolves, a prophylactic made of silver should do the trick. 

For Science

You may not know this, but I am deeply interested in all things scientific.  I went to a museum just yesterday.  It was a lot of fun, to be sure, but it also made me think; for someone so passionate about science, there is a great lack of scientific material on this blog (aside from the Freddy's Revenge post, of course).  Well, that is about to change.  From this point on 30lb Dog posts will be entirely devoted to science.  I'm going to kick it off with a little science quiz I crafted.

If you do not care for science, too bad.  I will never diverge from this path.  There is no way that I will get distracted and write about, say, a book or a movie.  We scientists are extremely focused.

So get out a pencil and paper.  It's time for the . . .


SCIENCE QUIZ


Q: What do a humpback whale and a pea have in common?

A: Both a humpback whale and a pea can be found on Earth!


Q: How does osmosis differ from meiosis?

A: Osmosis begins with the letters "os," whereas meiosis begins with "mei."


Q: What do osmosis and meiosis have in common?

A: No one knows!


Q: What scientific principal allows energy to be stored inside a car battery?

A: Pizzazz.


Q: What do a woodpecker and the Horsehead Nebula have in common?

A: They can both be found somewhere in the universe.  And, as far as we can tell, both appear to be some sort of animal.



Whew!  Pretty tough, eh?  Fear not.  For taking the quiz I now deem you a member of the . . .

That is, of course, if you answered all the questions correctly.  If not, the Idiot's Circle is still accepting members.  Happy Science!

From the "Why Didn't I Think of That?" Dept.

A Flaming Freddy?

La Cage aux Folles; The Wizard of Oz; Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, and . . . A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge?  Could this critically maligned horror sequel be the next must-see movie for film loving gays?

Apparently, there is a good deal of homoerotic subtext in Freddy's Revenge.  Robert Englund and screenwriter David Chaskin claim it was intentional, though director Jack Sholder claims to have been completely unaware.

In the interest of science, I recently re-watched Freddy's Revenge keeping a keen eye out for any possible homoerotic material.  I paid special attention to Freddy's famous one-liners.  Ever the quipster, if any homoerotic subtext were to be found, it would surely be in these pre-slaughter zingers.  What follows are still images complete with actual lines of dialogue pulled directly from A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge.

"Two tickets for Cats, please."

 

"I must get the name of your moisturizer."

"I just want a man to hold me."

Hmmm.  No sign of anything out of the ordinary there.  But the rumors had to come from somewhere.  I started the movie again from the beginning and watched closely.  Twenty minutes into the film my efforts paid off.  I now have irrefutable proof that Freddy's Revenge is indeed loaded with homosexual messages.  Just look at the name of the board game subtly inserted into the background of the still below.  And the director continues to feign ignorance!

Alternate Histories

Imagine, if you will, a world in which the Nazis won World War II.  Now Imagine a world in which some guy goes back in time and gives a crate of M-16s to Confederate soldiers fighting in the Civil War.  Imagine a world in which dinosaurs have laser guns and use them to shoot out of the sky the meteors that were to collide with the earth and render them extinct.  Now imagine Betsy Ross uploading an image of the first American flag to her Facebook.  And just for the heck of it, imagine Winston Churchill using a shake weight on the back of a triceratops while sending a text message to Mary, Queen of Scots.  Pretty tiring, huh?

Fortunately for you, you don't have to do all that imagining.  Leave it to the writers of Alternate History, a branch of science fiction that looks to the past rather than the future and speculates on what might have been.

Let's imagine that, for instance, the South really has won the Civil War.  Since I am not a writer of Alternate Histories, my powers of imagination are greatly limited.  But I am certain of one thing: the makers of Members Only jackets would no longer have to hide behind the thinly-veiled message communicated by their brand name.  If ever such a scenario were to take place (or had this scenario taken place--which it obviously didn't because, I mean, here we are one and a half centuries in the future and the fact that the South did not win the Civil war is pretty much set in one hundred and fifty years of pretty solid stone) their articles of clothing would undoubtedly look something like this:

No, the company would no longer have to hide their agenda behind their highly specialized brand of country club jargon.  So, the next time you think that the perfect compliment to your skinny jeans and serial killer eyeglasses would be Nehru collared with passants, and be pastel in color, you may want to think again.  If not for their ugly brand of exclusivity, then for their dopey and possibly ironic appeal as relics of a thankfully bygone era.

On second thought, just because they became a punchline after their first post-80s decline doesn't mean that they'll fall out of style again.  Fashion is never fickle, now is it?

A Sure Sign You're a Nerd

Every book you've ever read features a map on the first two pages.

Rat King

Here's an interesting bit of trivia sent to me by my sister.  Rat kings are said to arise when a large number of rats become entangled by the tail, oftentimes fused together by knots, blood, ice, dirt and excrement.

Well, what a way to elect a leader.  Leave it to the rats to be totally disgusting.  Since there are a large number of you and you are held together by ice, blood, and excrement, why don't we just crown you king?  You seem to have all the qualifications to be ruler, so, please, lead us.

Thank goodness we humans have a more sophisticated means of choosing our leaders.

Or do we?  Let's take careful measures to ensure that our bosses, religious, and political leaders are single persons, and not a number of people fused together by a mixture of ice, blood, and excrement.  It goes without saying that this will require a keen eye.

Don't let this picture fool you.  If you have recently invited a rat king to dinner, chances are that when it shows up, it will not be quite this adorable.

30lb Dog Cashes In on Paranormal Romance Craze

Trends are funny things, aren't they?  Not so!  They, if viewed with an entrepreneurial eye, are great opportunities to jump on board and make some real money.  Why is it that all the old historical romance novels with their Fabio-adorned covers are sitting on the shelves of bookstores.  I mean, the man is positively tearing the bodice off of the model on the cover.  Have people lost their interest in bodices being forcibly removed from the female frame?

Yes they have.  Today's romance reader has matured.  They want nothing to do with some moldy old bodice and bodies that, let's face it, have probably not had a good dunk in a tub full of soapy water for two or three fortnights. Today's romance reader would much rather see a leather vest torn off from the bodacious bod of a sexy vampiress by, I don't know, a werewolf or a creature from some black lagoon or something.  This new genre, often referred to as Paranormal Romance, is sweeping the country.

We here at 30lb Dog are excited to announce our contribution to this exciting genre with an exciting new series: Ghost Fuckers.  If there's one lesson we've learned from the popularity of Paranormal Romance, it's that sex with a ghost is hot, hot, hot.  As a special treat to readers of this blog, an excerpt from the first novel in the Ghost Fuckers series, The Haunting of Drusilla's Naughty Parts:

"Boo!" came the voice behind her, startling her in such a manner that caused her love muscle to become engorged with blood.  Drusilla turned to face the form that appeared behind her.  He was a magnificent sight, with long hair and a blousy shirt unbuttoned to the naval.  He was also glowing white and kind of see-through.

"Goodness," she said.  "You startled me.  What is your name and what business have you skulking about my chamber in the middle of the night?"

"My name is Umberto," said the figure, "and my business is entirely with you."

"The doors are locked.  How did you get inside?"

"I have no need of doors.  For you see, I am a ghost.  I died on a roller coaster when a bird struck my face."

"How horrible!"

"Yes.  And embarrassing.  But enough about that.  I have known your soul for a long time, Drusilla.  I've followed it.  I also like the way that leather vest squeezes your boobs."

"If only I had known you when you were alive," said Drusilla.

"There is no need for sadness.  Fortunately, I died when my beauty was at its peak."

"I'll say," she said, caressing his hairless, well-defined, and ultimately see-through pecks with her hand. After appreciating their firmness for a moment, she then traced a path down toward his trim waist. "Ooh, she cooed.  "I did not realize it were possible for a ghost to have six-pack abs."

"That feels very good, Drusilla," Umberto said in his heavy accent.  He tossed his head back, swaying his lustrous mane of spectral hair.  "Don't stop."

"I've got a confession to make, Umberto.  I've never done it with a ghost before.  Is it more like the movie The Entity or more like the movie Ghost?  Umberto?  Are you even listening to me?  And what's this on my wrist all of a sudden?  Ectoplasm?"

"That's not ectoplasm," Umberto purred.

Pretty hot, huh?  That is just a sample of what you can look forward to when the Ghost Fuckers series hits the shelves.  Look for it in fine bookstores everywhere.

The Red Ribbon

There was this guy and he fell in love with a beautiful woman.  On their first date she accented her outfit by wearing a saucy red ribbon around her neck.  Though it was the type of accessory that would earn one a black bar across the eyes in the back pages of Vogue, it came as no surprise to the man, since every time he had seen the woman she had been wearing the very same red ribbon.  It just must be her thing, he thought.  It is strange, but in no way does it detract from her beauty.

The woman wore the red ribbon around her neck on every subsequent date.  If it were not for her dazzling array of fashionable outfits, this crime of repetition may not have been forgivable.  Besides, the man was in love and that kept him somewhat blind to the ribbon.  It certainly did not stop him from asking the woman for her hand in marriage, which she gave joyously.

As the man had feared, the whiteness of the woman's wedding dress was indeed spoiled by that violent brushstroke of bright red that traversed the neck at the throat.  The ribbon had began to eat at the man.  She wore it all through the honeymoon, even during the act of love, which, the guy had to admit, was kind of hot.

When the couple had settled down into their new home the man, who could no longer suppress the urge to ask about the ribbon.  "Is it absolutely necessary to wear it all the time?" the man asked.

"Yes," the woman said, betraying an air of fear in her voice.  "Absolutely necessary."

"But why?"

"You see," said the woman.  "I went to this place called Personal Palette.  They informed me that I was a summer and that colors associated with summer would always be most flattering on me.  It is for that reason that I wear the red ribbon."

"Is there no other way to inject a splash of red into your wardrobe?  How about a shirt?  Or if you must wear something around your neck, how about a kerchief, or a foulard?  Or even a cravat.  I've seen some very nice cravats in the window of the shops downtown and I'm certain you could find one in red."

"Impossible," said the woman.  "It must be a red ribbon and only a red ribbon.  No other sort of neckwear will do."

"Then perhaps you could do me just one courtesy."

"What is that, my love?"

"Allow me to see you without the red ribbon, if only once."

 "No!" shrieked the woman.  "I can't allow you to do that."  Sobbing, she ran to the bedroom, the door of which she shut loudly behind her.  She did not emerge for hours.

That night as the couple lie in their bed, the man could not sleep.  He looked at his sleeping wife, peaceful and beautiful in the moonlight.  The red ribbon, tied in a bow at the back of the neck, beckoned him.  What harm could it do? the man thought.  What if I were to remove the ribbon, just once as she slept, so that I may gaze upon her beauty without it?  I will tie it back on while she sleeps and she will never be the wiser.

Gingerly the man reached over to his wife and took one end of the ribbon between his thumb and forefinger.  With a tug he untied the ribbon and her feet fell off!


Submitted by M. Night Shaymalan