Could the paranormal romance craze ever have a downside? Apparently so. Imagine if you will that you are at home, playing your prized 45 of The Monster Mash when the needle is suddenly dragged across the record, making a horrible sound. Well, this is much worse than that. The no-holds-barred spate of sexual activity with vampires, werewolves, zombies, mummies, frankensteins, and ghosts have given birth to the inevitable--new strains of paranormal sexually transmitted diseases. This is precisely where fantasy ends and the reality begins. Perhaps a little restraint is in order, unless you want to end up in some creepy clinic high in the forest that can only be reached by horse-drawn carriage. Be on the lookout for the following.
Tadpoles: Transmitted through sexual contact with a Creature from the Black Lagoon. While not particularly dangerous, they can tickle the heck out of your nether regions.
Ghost Crabs: Because they have no corporeal form they are resistant to even the toughest shampoos.
Frankies Simplex 1: In men, this will cause tiny bolts to grow on either side of the penis. In women, the pubic hair will become tall and wild with a shocking gray streak.
Wolphylis: Causes the genitals to emit a loud howling sound for one day out of the month, during the full moon. Highly embarrassing. The application of tiny muzzles may dampen the sound, but a cure has yet to be found.
If you find that you can’t resist your baser urges to sleep with these creatures of legend, at the very least take measures to protect yourself. If you are sleeping with a vampire or a demon, please take the time to have your condoms blessed by a priest. For werewolves, a prophylactic made of silver should do the trick.
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