Have You Tried These?

They're not bad.

Still Not Convinced?

Still not convinced that Members Only jackets are not cool?  Feast your eyes on this still from 1987's Top Dog.

The plot of the movie, appropriately enough, has to do with a group of white supremacists hoping to launch an attack that will unite racists around the world.  Fortunately, Chuck Norris and a dog are able to foil their plot.

Choose Your Own Sanitized Adventure

Take a look at this Choose Your Own Adventure book from my youth.

Now look at the updated version.

Nafouti?  Really?  Was Nabooti too risqué?  Did it cause too many giggles?  Did the publishers worry that impressionable children might think that treasure will be found in someones butt?

And that's just the beginning of the atrocity.  What on earth happened to the cover art?  The hand drawn cover of Nabooti is detailed, uses color to create a mood, and, in short, makes the book look like something you would actually consider reading.  The computer generated cover of Nafouti is laughable.  It looks barely above the quality of something you could create in MS Paint.  It looks like the product of about a half hour's work.  And, yes, that cobra is apparently coming out of that woman's eye.

Exciting Business/Self-Help Book Now Available

Knowing that readers of this blog strive for excellence in all of life’s arenas, I thought I would point you toward a book that is nothing short of a miracle.  Does your body resemble a giant latex glove three-quarters filled with whale blubber?  Is your mind a junkyard filled with discarded dollhouses and leather pants?  Is your business performing about as well as a roadside stand selling Cabbage Patch Kids stuffed with Beanie Babies covered in homestyle gravy?  Well, struggle no more.  All the answers you seek can be found in the pages of a single volume.  Fusing the the knowledge of nearly three books and eleven fortune cookies, What Color Is Your Cheese Bucket, and Who Moved It?, is available now.  Don’t wait.  Supplies are limited and this offer is exclusive to readers of 30lb Dog, Denny’s Patrons, and Amazon.com shoppers.  Order now!

Is The Party Over For Paranormal Romance?

Could the paranormal romance craze ever have a downside?  Apparently so.  Imagine if you will that you are at home, playing your prized 45 of The Monster Mash when the needle is suddenly dragged across the record, making a horrible sound.  Well, this is much worse than that.  The no-holds-barred spate of sexual activity with vampires, werewolves, zombies, mummies, frankensteins, and ghosts have given birth to the inevitable--new strains of paranormal sexually transmitted diseases.  This is precisely where fantasy ends and the reality begins.  Perhaps a little restraint is in order, unless you want to end up in some creepy clinic high in the forest that can only be reached by horse-drawn carriage.  Be on the lookout for the following.

Tadpoles:  Transmitted through sexual contact with a Creature from the Black Lagoon.  While not particularly dangerous, they can tickle the heck out of your nether regions.

Ghost Crabs:  Because they have no corporeal form they are resistant to even the toughest shampoos.

Frankies Simplex 1:  In men, this will cause tiny bolts to grow on either side of the penis.  In women, the pubic hair will become tall and wild with a shocking gray streak.

Wolphylis: Causes the genitals to emit a loud howling sound for one day out of the month, during the full moon.  Highly embarrassing.  The application of tiny muzzles may dampen the sound, but a cure has yet to be found.

If you find that you can’t resist your baser urges to sleep with these creatures of legend, at the very least take measures to protect yourself.  If you are sleeping with a vampire or a demon, please take the time to have your condoms blessed by a priest.  For werewolves, a prophylactic made of silver should do the trick.